The Truth is – I Don’t Want to Help You

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By Terence Stone

It’s been nearly two years since I last wrote a blog entry here at US.

There have been countless moments in which I’ve had the urge to sit down and write a post. Though I never knew what exactly I wanted to write. I’m making this up as I go. But I do know – if I’m to continue writing this blog, it will have to be different.

You see, one of the reasons I stopped writing, besides my busy schedule at school, was that I was having trouble coming up with things to write about. In the last month or two before I stopped posting, it had gotten to the point where I was just brainstorming for ideas and topics I believed my readers would like, and that would get the site more attention.

Of course that always needs to be part of the equation with any successful blog, but that wasn’t what inspired me to start writing US in the first place. It has always been tied to my own personal journey through struggles and triumphs, and the idea that through my own exploration I may be able help others.

I felt I had begun to become a little disingenuous, worrying more about how many ‘likes’ and clicks my site was getting per day instead of producing honest content that was going to help myself and, possibly, others grow.

What I’ve had to ponder is why I would continue doing this. My first answer was because I want to help others. But it’s an auto-reply. And it’s not true.

Well, not entirely true. The urge to help others, for better or worse, is ingrained in my character. I attribute this primarily to having a naturally tender disposition, and, much more, to growing up the oldest of four siblings, who, for various reasons, I always felt I needed to parent.

Those aren’t problems per se. The issue was (until quite recently) that I tended to put all my focus on others and absolutely none on myself 95 percent of the time. And during that other 5 percent when I had to focus on myself, I felt guilty for it.

My response during my teenage years was one of silent rebellion. I still took care of my family, but I did it grudgingly. I wanted to focus more on myself, but I didn’t really know how.

Instead, I would play countless hours of video games, or spend as much time as possible with my friends, and girlfriends. To some of you this may all seem like normal teenage behavior. But I assure you it wasn’t.

Because none of it came from a place of security.

I didn’t feel safe about who I was, and therefore had no realistic idea of who I wanted to be. I was always running away from myself and my potential. And underneath it all, I was so angry.

This continued throughout college. It continued into my marriage. And since I started therapy 3 years ago, it’s been a constant back and forth battle between that scared, angry kid who doesn’t want to pay attention to anyone including himself, and the strong, solid, organized, rational adult man who is trying to emerge from the fire.

Now, I can confidently say that most days, I feel like that man who knows who he is and what he wants. But that doesn’t mean all of my anger and sadness have evaporated. I just deal with them more honestly, more consistently, and more rationally. I catch myself when that impertinent, fearful child surges up inside of me. I know how to calm him. And I know how to curb him when necessary.

So – I cannot sit here and honestly say that I simply want to continue to help others.

I want to write here to help myself, to have a place of measured growth, and if it helps others in the process, that is fantastic. So why not just write a journal? Well, I suppose there are a few answers to that.

First, I’m a performer. I like being seen and heard. Period. Exclamation?

Second, because I think I’m a decent writer. I’m articulate, and I think I really do have something to say as opposed to simply rambling.

Third, I do think there is a huge lack of self-reflection among people in this fast-paced, materialistic, corporate-driven world. Call me arrogant, call me what you will, but I don’t mind being an example of and proponent for a more conscious way of living – because that helps all of us.

Fourth, because it keeps me on a writing schedule. If my readers expect a post per week, then I feel much more inclined to write than if it were simply for my personal journal.

And finally– because why not? Because to me, this isn’t simply a blog. It’s art. It is my mind made material. It is another expression of my soul. It is the song of my spirit. My spiritual. My Urban Spiritual.

More to come…

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Chief Editor and Founder of Urban Spiritual, I’m a classically trained singer and actor living in New York City, who has performed in the U.S. and Europe. I’m also a writer, traveller, meditator, arts-lover, and well-being enthusiast.

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